The fantasy is over

Like a flower she was beautiful; Like a torn she bled me; Like a man I loved her.

This will be the last piece in this blog. No more writing. I finally quit writing after about a year of being inspired to do so. Everything was just a dream to begin with, nothing was ever real about the sensation of having some sort of feeling of fulfillment; the fulfillment of having a dream, something to look forward to in the future, to want to be somebody one day. It was just an illusion I didn’t want to snap myself out from.

I was blinded by the way it gave me happiness, the way it made me feel whole, made me feel real, even. I’ve always known that there will come a day that I’ll have to stop writing but I never knew it would be this soon. You see, I realized that I got into writing, really got into it, last February 14; Valentine’s Day. It was so stupid too not to mention very immature of me to be inspired on the date that I knew I would curse myself for one day.

I was inspired by that girl to write and with the same inspiration to make me stop. I had to. Otherwise I’ll never be able to get over her. If I wanted to quit her and still write then it would be like closing a wound and opening it again. I’ll be the one that’s hurting in the end. I’d be carrying my own anchor.

I wish she knew that I truly loved her. That’s how true my feelings for her can get. She doesn’t know but everything in this blog, I mean everything, stemmed from me dreaming of a world where I was close to her; where she liked me. Yes, everything you see here is inspired by my dumb feelings for her. Feelings of not just love but of grief and frustration as well.

Everything; from the very first thing I published here to the very last. This was all secretly dedicated to her or rather how I imagined my life with her and without her.

When I knew of the impending danger my feelings were harboring towards her, I really wanted to stop. Red as the light may go, I wanted to push the breaks. However, my emotions overpowered my mind and kept on going. And kept going I did. I sought help from various people already. She, my inspiration, was just too damn hard to forget.

I mean how could I? God wasn’t helping me forget her one bit. She was just everywhere; her name was everywhere.

What do I mean by everywhere? Well for one instance every time I go to school, which is like everyday, I see her name. I realized how politically involved her name is in the city of Manila; there’s this woman named Honey and this man named Dennis.

When you google “Victoria Lefevre Eclipse”, my blog comes up. After Paskuhan, I rode the jeep home and after I sat down, I saw her first name on the driver’s dashboard.

Whenever I ride the train to school, there’s always this pedicab that has her first name displayed on the front side. Also, when I ride the jeep towards Earnshaw st. from Legarda station, there’s a bunch of buses that labels themselves “Victory Liner”.

One of my favorite female vocalists is from a band called Lacuna Coil. One of my favorite female J-Rockers is Anna Tsuchiya. There’s this poem by Edgar Allan Poe that I’ve always loved reading and the title is Annabel Lee. One of the protagonists in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series is named Annabeth.

Every Sunday my family would always go to the EDSA Shrine to have mass and we’d always pass by Victoria Court. And you know what’s the most bizarre of all the signs God has to give me that would always remind me of her name? It will really sound crazy, because it is, but I see her initials every night when I look at a clear sky. I don’t know if it’s just me but I see this A shaped constellation which when reversed looks a lot more like a V, and Orion’s belt has an extra star attached to it making it look like a freaking L.

And to add, on a daily basis, I either hear her name from some stranger’s mouth early in the morning or late at night. Not to mention that I would sometimes see her “man” or her as the first people I see at school.

But of all the things that will always catch me off guard, whether I was in a blank state or was preoccupied with something else, it will be this one thing that I really love hearing from her. Call me weird but I feel my ears twitch, my lips curving upward a bit, my eyes widely opening whenever I hear her sneeze.

Yes…her sneeze.

It would always remind me that she was there and it would always put a little smile on my usually troubled face. In that slight moment my worries, problems, and troubles would go away. A temporary panacea if I must name it. I find that sneeze so cute that I consider it a big plus for her. I mean how many women in the world can attract a guy with a sneeze? Not a lot that’s for sure.

I just wished she knew how much I really liked her mere presence…that I am thankful for the fact that I was lucky to live in this life where she’s in and the fact that I lived long enough to know a woman like her in my life.

I guess I just like everything about her. The fact that her voice echoes endlessly inside my ears and the way the air she disturbs would wrap itself around me when she would pass by. The way her hair would glide with the wind as she would walk down the stairs and the way her eyes would look beady whenever she smiles a big smile. The way she’d jump around for joy whenever she felt like it and the way she would always look so cute not to notice whenever she wears her “huh?” face. The way her eyebrows would just emulate the perfect emotions of happiness, confusion, anger, surprise, and loneliness. The fact that the little mole on her left cheek just makes her face more detailed and interesting to gaze at. The way her petite body gives a man the thoughts of carrying her on his arms or on his back…I’d do that everyday if I had to.

But most of all, I really love the fact that she will always remind me of the fantasy I wanted to have. The fantasy which I tried to write but was too big and complex for an amateur to even attempt. The fantasy that will never leave my mind. Her face; her eyes; her voice; everything will be retained. I realized before hand that the moment I quit writing would mean that she’ll be just a mere memory rather than what she is to me now: a wish; a dream; my ideal woman; the purpose of my life and the cause of my death. I was scared to give up on the things I’d always love doing but the sacrifice will just have to happen.

Since late last year, I would sometimes keep notes about recent events that would remind me of her. Some of the notes are the following:

I can’t stop. She’s there and I’m here. She’s lovely and I’m in love with her. I’m sorry.

This note was written when I chanced her with her…dude while I was walking to Dapitan. I wrote this on a whim in an effort to apologize to God on how sorry I was to not resisting the urges of the heart; to love someone so much.

I named a constellation after you. It greatly resembles the initials of your two first names when I would look at it from opposite sides.

I always look at the night sky just before I sleep. I couldn’t help but notice the way some of the stars aligned themselves to make a perfect V or A shape depending on the angle you’re looking at it.

One good reason you made my head turn was because of the way you sneeze. I’ll always find that cute anytime, anyplace. I really like hearing that very distinct sneeze. It gives me a sense of reality that you’re there at that moment; that you’re real, human, tangible. Yet I cannot, with everything I’ve got, be the one for you. I’ll be fine as long as you don’t deprive me of you’re lovely sneeze.

This was very recent. I wrote it last week on a piece of paper I picked up to throw when I heard her sneeze. These words flowed through my fingers that I couldn’t resist to grab onto a pen and write it down on that very same paper. The paper is now kept with the “other” notes.

I find it funny that the word blank appears on you. Your surname literally means blank.

I wrote this during her group’s thesis defense. The projector showed a “blank” word and it was directed at her. I smiled at the coincidence.

Don’t go anorexic. You look fine with how much you weigh now. Trust me.

I wrote this last week when I knew she was skipping meals and eating so little. I actually made a poem about it too. The title? Lady Anorexia.

Today, I dreamed about a scene where a person was torturing me to death because I would refuse to answer his question. I remember the question very clearly since it spoke of your name: “Where is your grace?”. Your first name in Latin means grace.

I had this dream a few months back. I think it was on Christmas eve. I woke up  to Christmas with the words “WTF was that all about?”

God must be torturing me. Whenever I’d think of you in a sad way, songs that I really could relate to always play and my ears would catch them.

I wrote this last October, sembreak. I remembered it would be our last sembreak and that would mean the time where I can be in your presence, or yours in mine, is nearing its end. Those songs are “Jeepney” by Spongecola, “Two is better than one” by BLG feat. Taylor Swift, and the very heart breaking “Bakit Part 2″ by Mayonnaise. I’d always think “WTF God…” upon hearing them.

If you’re boyfriend won’t stop looking at me with those pluckable eyes of his , I may have to gouge them and snap his neck.

Don’t judge me yet. Ever since the year started her…guy would ALWAYS look at me in a very insulting/annoying way. I act like I don’t notice just so I could avoid a possible fist fight. I wrote this 2 days ago. I clenched my left fist while writing this.

If I had to swear every time your name pops inside my head, God would cut my tongue off for making Jesus cry a lot.

Wrote this 2 weeks ago. Like I said, she’s a very hard-to-forget-even-if-you-try type of woman.

I realized how sad the state I was in when the film ended and everyone left save for me. I was the only one without a partner. F.

I wrote this shortly after I watched Valentine’s Day. I realized that I didn’t feel alone when the movie started and when the movie ended. I felt it when everyone else took off with their special someone and I was left there looking to my right and to my left realizing that I have no one to talk to about the movie.

She’ll probably never know why I gave her 2 instead of 3 that day.

I wrote this just after I gave my V-day gift to her. My gift was composed of 2 Victoria’s Secret products; a cologne and lotion, both with the scent “Endless Love”. This has probably been one of the most meaningful gifts I’ve ever given anyone in the entirety of my life. I never did tell her that 2 Victorias represented each of the words “I” and “Love” and the last Victoria, her name, would represent “You”. Now that I think about it, this idea actually sucks! This idea was in NO FUCKING WAY better than a P3000.00 Gucci perfume. I mean, my gifts were like P600.00 a piece. And yes, that’s why I hate Gucci.

===============================================

In a month, she’ll forever disappear from my sight. Just the bare thought of missing her aches.  I would hate to admit it but one of the reasons I like going to school is to see her, to be inside the same room she’s in. I’m actually proud I have someone to boast to my friends whenever they’d brag about class beauties. I’d probably be in mourning right after graduation. I’ll probably be regretting the fact that I didn’t do anything to be there for her or for her to like me. Yes, I have foreseen the end of my academic days, the end of my love for her. The day before, during, and after graduation will be filled with thoughts of “Please God, turn back time just once”. I’d probably wish that time would freeze and I’ll be frozen in time with her and it’ll last forever.

But that would be selfish of me. I figure if I actually truly love her, I should love her enough to let her go. It’s just that it’s so damn hard. I haven’t felt like this before. I’ve had my shares of broken hearts and they would heal eventually but this one literally would render mine permanently damaged. I’ve been in love with her for most of my college days and I didn’t do anything about it. It’s like I know she’s the one but…What if the person you were meant to be with could never be yours? Wouldn’t that hurt? Wouldn’t that render you in so much pain?

Then again, who am I to decide who’s the one for me? For all I know the one who’s meant for me is still out there or maybe she doesn’t exist. As of now, I’d prefer the latter if I were to choose between the one meant for me and her.

Love is everywhere and is easy to find but true love will test you before it lets you find it or see if it’s worth finding you.

Goodbye Anna. I’ll miss you.

Thank you for the wonderful memories

you’ve given me.

You’ll always be, like Christmas,

in my heart.

~Robert

Advertisement