This will be the last piece in this blog. No more writing. I finally quit writing after about a year of being inspired to do so. Everything was just a dream to begin with, nothing was ever real about the sensation of having some sort of feeling of fulfillment; the fulfillment of having a dream, something to look forward to in the future, to want to be somebody one day. It was just an illusion I didn’t want to snap myself out from.

I was blinded by the way it gave me happiness, the way it made me feel whole, made me feel real, even. I’ve always known that there will come a day that I’ll have to stop writing but I never knew it would be this soon. You see, I realized that I got into writing, really got into it, last February 14; Valentine’s Day. It was so stupid too not to mention very immature of me to be inspired on the date that I knew I would curse myself for one day.

I was inspired by that girl to write and with the same inspiration to make me stop. I had to. Otherwise I’ll never be able to get over her. If I wanted to quit her and still write then it would be like closing a wound and opening it again. I’ll be the one that’s hurting in the end. I’d be carrying my own anchor.

I wish she knew that I truly loved her. That’s how true my feelings for her can get. She doesn’t know but everything in this blog, I mean everything, stemmed from me dreaming of a world where I was close to her; where she liked me. Yes, everything you see here is inspired by my dumb feelings for her. Feelings of not just love but of grief and frustration as well.

Everything; from the very first thing I published here to the very last. This was all secretly dedicated to her or rather how I imagined my life with her and without her.

When I knew of the impending danger my feelings were harboring towards her, I really wanted to stop. Red as the light may go, I wanted to push the breaks. However, my emotions overpowered my mind and kept on going. And kept going I did. I sought help from various people already. She, my inspiration, was just too damn hard to forget.

I mean how could I? God wasn’t helping me forget her one bit. She was just everywhere; her name was everywhere.

What do I mean by everywhere? Well for one instance every time I go to school, which is like everyday, I see her name. I realized how politically involved her name is in the city of Manila; there’s this woman named Honey and this man named Dennis.

When you google “Victoria Lefevre Eclipse”, my blog comes up. After Paskuhan, I rode the jeep home and after I sat down, I saw her first name on the driver’s dashboard.

Whenever I ride the train to school, there’s always this pedicab that has her first name displayed on the front side. Also, when I ride the jeep towards Earnshaw st. from Legarda station, there’s a bunch of buses that labels themselves “Victory Liner”.

One of my favorite female vocalists is from a band called Lacuna Coil. One of my favorite female J-Rockers is Anna Tsuchiya. There’s this poem by Edgar Allan Poe that I’ve always loved reading and the title is Annabel Lee. One of the protagonists in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series is named Annabeth.

Every Sunday my family would always go to the EDSA Shrine to have mass and we’d always pass by Victoria Court. And you know what’s the most bizarre of all the signs God has to give me that would always remind me of her name? It will really sound crazy, because it is, but I see her initials every night when I look at a clear sky. I don’t know if it’s just me but I see this A shaped constellation which when reversed looks a lot more like a V, and Orion’s belt has an extra star attached to it making it look like a freaking L.

And to add, on a daily basis, I either hear her name from some stranger’s mouth early in the morning or late at night. Not to mention that I would sometimes see her “man” or her as the first people I see at school.

But of all the things that will always catch me off guard, whether I was in a blank state or was preoccupied with something else, it will be this one thing that I really love hearing from her. Call me weird but I feel my ears twitch, my lips curving upward a bit, my eyes widely opening whenever I hear her sneeze.

Yes…her sneeze.

It would always remind me that she was there and it would always put a little smile on my usually troubled face. In that slight moment my worries, problems, and troubles would go away. A temporary panacea if I must name it. I find that sneeze so cute that I consider it a big plus for her. I mean how many women in the world can attract a guy with a sneeze? Not a lot that’s for sure.

I just wished she knew how much I really liked her mere presence…that I am thankful for the fact that I was lucky to live in this life where she’s in and the fact that I lived long enough to know a woman like her in my life.

I guess I just like everything about her. The fact that her voice echoes endlessly inside my ears and the way the air she disturbs would wrap itself around me when she would pass by. The way her hair would glide with the wind as she would walk down the stairs and the way her eyes would look beady whenever she smiles a big smile. The way she’d jump around for joy whenever she felt like it and the way she would always look so cute not to notice whenever she wears her “huh?” face. The way her eyebrows would just emulate the perfect emotions of happiness, confusion, anger, surprise, and loneliness. The fact that the little mole on her left cheek just makes her face more detailed and interesting to gaze at. The way her petite body gives a man the thoughts of carrying her on his arms or on his back…I’d do that everyday if I had to.

But most of all, I really love the fact that she will always remind me of the fantasy I wanted to have. The fantasy which I tried to write but was too big and complex for an amateur to even attempt. The fantasy that will never leave my mind. Her face; her eyes; her voice; everything will be retained. I realized before hand that the moment I quit writing would mean that she’ll be just a mere memory rather than what she is to me now: a wish; a dream; my ideal woman; the purpose of my life and the cause of my death. I was scared to give up on the things I’d always love doing but the sacrifice will just have to happen.

Since late last year, I would sometimes keep notes about recent events that would remind me of her. Some of the notes are the following:

I can’t stop. She’s there and I’m here. She’s lovely and I’m in love with her. I’m sorry.

This note was written when I chanced her with her…dude while I was walking to Dapitan. I wrote this on a whim in an effort to apologize to God on how sorry I was to not resisting the urges of the heart; to love someone so much.

I named a constellation after you. It greatly resembles the initials of your two first names when I would look at it from opposite sides.

I always look at the night sky just before I sleep. I couldn’t help but notice the way some of the stars aligned themselves to make a perfect V or A shape depending on the angle you’re looking at it.

One good reason you made my head turn was because of the way you sneeze. I’ll always find that cute anytime, anyplace. I really like hearing that very distinct sneeze. It makes gives me a sense of reality that you’re there at that moment; that you’re real, human, tangible. Yet I cannot, with everything I’ve got, be the one for you. I’ll be fine as long as you don’t deprive me of you’re lovely sneeze.

This was very recent. I wrote it last week on a piece of paper I picked up to throw when I heard her sneeze. These words flowed through my fingers that I couldn’t resist to grab onto a pen and write it down on that very same paper. The paper is now kept with the “other” notes.

I find it funny that the word blank appears on you. Your surname literally means blank.

I wrote this during her group’s thesis defense. The projector showed a “blank” word and it was directed at her. I smiled at the coincidence.

Don’t go anorexic. You look fine with how much you weigh now. Trust me.

I wrote this last week when I knew she was skipping meals and eating so little. I actually made a poem about it too. The title? Lady Anorexia.

Today, I dreamed about a scene where a person was torturing me to death because I would refuse to answer his question. I remember the question very clearly since it spoke of your name: “Where is your grace?”. Your first name in Latin means grace.

I had this dream a few months back. I think it was on Christmas eve. I woke up  to Christmas with the words “WTF was that all about?”

God must be torturing me. Whenever I’d think of you in a sad way, songs that I really could relate to always play and my ears would catch them.

I wrote this last October, sembreak. I remembered it would be our last sembreak and that would mean the time where I can be in your presence, or yours in mine, is nearing it’s end. Those songs are “Jeepney” by Spongecola, “Two is better than one” by BLG feat. Taylor Swift, and the very heart breaking “Bakit Part 2″ by Mayonnaise. I’d always think “WTF God…” upon hearing them.

If you’re boyfriend won’t stop looking at me with those pluckable eyes of his , I may have to gouge them and snap his neck.

Don’t judge me yet. Ever since the year started her…guy would ALWAYS look at me in a very insulting/annoying way. I act like I don’t notice just so I could avoid a possible fist fight. I wrote this 2 days ago. I clenched my left fist while writing this.

If I had to swear every time your name pops inside my head, God would cut my tongue off for making Jesus cry a lot.

Wrote this 2 weeks ago. Like I said, she’s a very hard-to-forget-even-if-you-try type of woman.

I realized how sad the state I was in when the film ended and everyone left save for me. I was the only one without a partner. F.

I wrote this shortly after I watched Valentine’s Day. I realized that I didn’t feel alone when the movie started and when the movie ended. I felt it when everyone else took off with their special someone and I was left there looking to my right and to my left realizing that I have no one to talk to about the movie.

She’ll probably never know why I gave her 2 instead of 3 that day.

I wrote this just after I gave my V-day gift to her. My gift was composed of 2 Victoria’s Secret products; a cologne and lotion, both with the scent “Endless Love”. This has probably been one of the most meaningful gifts I’ve ever given anyone in the entirety of my life. I never did tell her that 2 Victorias represented each of the words “I” and “Love” and the last Victoria, her name, would represent “You”. Now that I think about it, this idea actually sucks! This idea was in NO FUCKING WAY better than a P3000.00 Gucci perfume. I mean, my gifts were like P600.00 a piece. And yes, that’s why I hate Gucci.

===============================================

In a month, she’ll forever disappear from my sight. Just the bare thought of missing her aches.  I would hate to admit it but one of the reasons I like going to school is to see her, to be inside the same room she’s in. I’m actually proud I have someone to boast to my friends whenever they’d brag about class beauties. I’d probably be in mourning right after graduation. I’ll probably be regretting the fact that I didn’t do anything to be there for her or for her to like me. Yes, I have foreseen the end of my academic days, the end of my love for her. The day before, during, and after graduation will be filled with thoughts of “Please God, turn back time just once”. I’d probably wish that time would freeze and I’ll be frozen in time with her and it’ll last forever.

But that would be selfish of me. I figure if I actually truly love her, I should love her enough to let her go. It’s just that it’s so damn hard. I haven’t felt like this before. I’ve had my shares of broken hearts and they would heal eventually but this one literally would render mine permanently damaged. I’ve been in love with her for most of my college days and I didn’t do anything about it. It’s like I know she’s the one but…What if the person you were meant to be with could never be yours? Wouldn’t that hurt? Wouldn’t that render you in so much pain?

Then again, who am I to decide who’s the one for me? For all I know the one who’s meant for me is still out there or maybe she doesn’t exist. As of now, I’d prefer the latter if I were to choose between the one meant for me and her.

Love is everywhere and is easy to find but true love will test you before it lets you find it or see if it’s worth finding you.

Goodbye Anna. I’ll miss you.

Thank you for the wonderful memories

you’ve given me.

You’ll always be, like Christmas,

in my heart.

~Robert

This beautiful little lady.

Sitting right next to me,

How pallid and thin was she!

==============

Her skin white complexion pales;

Eyes sinking, veins showing.

Her beauty disappears, vanishing

Lovely she no longer is

=============

Her elbows sticking out; spikes.

Fingers like dry branches without leaves.

She bore no flower, no fruit.

Drought settled; life goes away.

=============

She’s a total stranger now.

Far from the one I loved.

Her Lust for beauty ended.

She died; her heart gave out.

Until it was gone with the  wind’s gust.

I cried, cried, and cried some more.

I thought of suicide like never before.

***

Time and time again I remembered you.

Sweet and bitter memories of us two.

My heart could no longer take it.

Took a knife; to my wrist I slit.

***

Tears of red poured from within.

I feared; more tears ran down my chin.

I looked at the blade,  my skin it sliced.

“It cut the wrong flesh” this I realized.

***

I saw you with that whore at that motel.

Your friend told me you told him to never tell.

I was crazy for crying over you.

In the end, you never felt the same way too.

***

I gave everything, oh everything to you.

My heart, my body, my soul too.

I did the things you asked me to do.

No matter how disgusting, just for you.

***

I raged and raged more and more.

Your face had become an eyesore.

I despised every inch of you.

Like my wrist, I’ll cut you too.

***

I called and told you I wanted you.

I begged and wept ’til you came to.

I hanged the phone, I breathed deep.

I smiled; your lies will no longer seep.

***

]]> http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/quits/feed/ 1 anima9 http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/2009/12/12/p-i/ http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/2009/12/12/p-i/#comments Sat, 12 Dec 2009 09:12:56 +0000 Fated Blue http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/?p=227 ]]> Matagal na kitang mahal,

Alam ng poong may kapal.

Simula pa lang, ikaw na talaga,

Wala na kong ginustong iba .

===================

May nagawa ako at ika’y nagalit,

Anong rason? Di ko alam kung bakit.

Simula noon, di ko na alam ang gagawin.

Wala na kong alam kahit ang dapat sasabihin.

====================

Kagabi, ikaw at ako’y lasing.

Hanggang umaga, tayo’y gising.

Tinanong kita, “Ano bang magagawa ko?”

Sagot mo, “Wala akong paki sa’yo!”

===================

Nasaktan ako, di ako nakaimik.

Kahit sumikat na ang araw, ako’y tahimik.

Sa wakas alam ko na ang katotohanan.

Kung ano ba ang iyong nararamdaman.

==================

Pinagisipang kong mabuti,

Lahat ng iyong sinabi.

“Ayos lang” sabi ko sa akin.

“Mahal pa rin kita” kahit di mo dinggin.

=================

Saktan mo ako ng saktan,

Huwag mo lang akong iwanan.

=================

]]> http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/2009/12/12/p-i/feed/ 0 anima9 http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/a-little-fantasy-chapter-2-never-forgotten/ http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/a-little-fantasy-chapter-2-never-forgotten/#comments Tue, 08 Dec 2009 15:54:38 +0000 Fated Blue http://fatedblue.wordpress.com/?p=216 ]]> Prologue

Chapter 1

===============================================

ALEX

August 29 2014

I’m busy preparing myself for my first happy time since that day. Hannah’s a breath of fresh air. But I really wonder how she got the timing right. Still, what she did for me this morning was such a pleasant surprise. I really should be thankful.

I got myself wearing a striped, black and white, long sleeved polo with black and white chequered denim pants with my shoes being a low-cut converse with shades of black and white to match my awesome monochrome look.. Hannah’s fond of wearing colors. I just hope she likes my black and white life.

I check the time, it’s about 1 pm. The meeting doesn’t start in an hour or so. I figured I should go early anyway. I get my keys, go to the parking lot and, for the first time in weeks, look forward to driving my brand new car. It’s a black Chrysler 300. With the help of a few friends and loaning agencies, I was able to get this baby roaring for me. I got it last month so I could show those rich bastards that even someone who isn’t actually rich but works hard enough can get his hands on a nice ride.

I open the door and I’m greeted with that brand new leather scent. Funny how I didn’t notice this before. I remember that one of the reasons I bought this was because of Karen. I wanted to show her that I could also afford luxuries like her then boyfriend, now husband David. She found my effort something to smile about at the very least.

At least I tried. Now I’m stuck with a car that I probably have to pay for about five years with my current salary. Still, there is no way I’m regretting this little ordeal.

I hop in, grab the wheel and insert the key. TriNoMa huh? I find it funny how I’m going back to the place where it all began. I remember every bit of detail of how Karen and I met by chance that day. Hot damn…I’m remembering all of this now. What a way to start my “fun” day.

The date was August 29 2009; nothing but clear skies and a very happy sun.

It was 11:30 am. Classes just ended and I was off to TriNoMa to watch the movie “The Time Traveler’s Wife”.  I’ve finished reading the book the day before so I decided to see how the movie levels with it.

I changed from my white polo jacket to a black T-shirt which looked plain save for the check mark at the upper left. I also kept my jacket inside my bag which I wore early that morning since it was sort of drizzling.

After changing, I went out fast.

12:00, from UST, I took a jeep from España to TriNoMa. Took me about 20-30 minutes to get there. I remembered how there was very light traffic that day.

I arrived at about 12:30 pm. I refreshed myself at the nearest restroom I could go into inside. I washed my face with facial wash and did a little fixing here and there. I was and still am very sensitive when it comes to hygiene.

I remember it was about 12:50 pm when I rushed towards the cinema floor and saw the schedules of the movies. It just so happened that The Time Traveler’s Wife started showing at around 10:30 AM, and the next one was at 1:10 PM. I arrived just in the nick of time.

So I was in line. Everything was fine and ordinary ’til I saw…

“Karen?!”

Surprised, she replied with an…

“Alex?!”

KAREN

July 30 2014

David and I ended up eating within the hotel after all. We’re paying for the whole package so we might as well taste the luxury of a Parisian diet. I wore a little white dress with little red flowers sprinkled in and match it with white flats. David wore a white long sleeved formal shirt with blue stripes running vertically across. We wanted to at least look a little good being that we are staying at not just any old fancy hotel. We also decided to play tourist after breakfast. I’ve never been to Paris before and I’ve always dreamed of going here. It’s like a dream come true. Thanks David.

Just before we rode the elevator down, David rushed back to the room to get something.

”I forgot something. I’ll be back.”

Curious at what he went after, I just shrugged it off.

We’re in the restaurant that bears the same name as the hotel itself. The tourist handbook said that this hotel has the famous chef named Yannick Alléno to which I have no idea who. Judging on how famous he is supposed to be, I guess we’re in for a treat.

The place is just as eye candy as the amount of money you would spend here. This place is just wow. Before we came here, I consulted a little pamphlet to have a hint of how grand the place is.

Your palate will be astonished by the variety of savours and your eyes will be delighted by the dining room’s wonderful decor. Inspired by the Salon de la Paix at Château de Versailles, the decor of restaurant le Meurice reinterpreted by Philippe Starck in 2007, really is an invitation to a unique rapture. This 17th century “grand siècle” style decor is based on three paintings dating from 1905 to 1907, the first phase of the refurbishment of Le Meurice since it opened. Theophile Poilpot (1848-1915) was a French Académie painter who painted in the “pompier” style.

Beyond the majestic gilded glass door, discover ancient mirrors, chandeliers and noble materials such as bronze, marble and other frescoes. Experience romantic elegance at its greatest, through the grand windows overlooking the Tuileries Gardens. This pure white and silver decor combined with natural daylight conveys a feeling of harmony on this extraordinary room.

I finally realized that we weren’t just going to eat at any old five star restaurant located in one of the most expensive hotels in one of the most beautiful places in the world. We were going to eat at a historical landmark! Who am I kidding? The whole of Europe is made up of historical landmarks! I really didn’t appreciate History classes back when I was in neither high school nor when I was in college. But David seems to like it. I’ll go along with him for now; he is the one paying the bills after all. I guess being an heir to a business really pays off.

I decided to let David take command of our food. To my surprise, we had this very special Choc’Alléno which is an all chocolate breakfast created by their famous chef. Croissants and pain au chocolat created from chocolate dough. My mouth watered at the sight and my nose was indulging itself at the smell of chocolate this early in the morning. I can already feel the weight I’ll be gaining in this marriage.

While eating, David and I talk about how great and perfect the wedding celebration was, how beautiful the night sky was, how great the place is, we just talk about how good everything is going and going to be from now on.

“I’ll make sure you will have everything you would ever ask for. Just name it.”

David told me with a very soothing voice fit for a man of luxury. He holds my left hand with his right. I can feel the warmth and gentleness of his touch. His eyes set deep in passion and his voice hinting sincerity and pure love.

“David, you’ll melt the chocolate if you don’t quit that look on your face.”

We laugh at each other’s jokes and compliments. I remember that thing he went to get in our room just before we left.

“So, what is it?”

Confused, he replied

“What do you mean?”

“The thing you went to get before we rode the elevator.”

Surprised, as if he just got an idea, he went to reach from something on his lap.

“Oh! This thing here? It’s a book.”

A book? He’s holding something inside what seem to be a leather book cover. It’s pretty thick, I wonder what this book is? I got to ask.

“So what book is it?”

I’m betting it’s a book about the most expensive things money can buy. It has to be!

“It’s a really old book. I think you’ve heard of it.”

I raise my left brow at curiosity

“It’s called The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.”

Oh my God. I’m speechless. That book…Alex and I watched the movie adaptation of that book. Is this coincidence? I woke up this morning thinking of Alex and now as I try to get away from the memories he and I made, my husband just blurts out the thing that made Alex and I…lovers.

“Uh…sweetie? You there?”

I snap out of my blank state. I froze.

“Y-yeah! I’m here. I just uh…uh…”

Why am I panicking? Why can’t I say a damn word?! David stands and comes up to me.

“Is everything okay? Do you feel tired? Sick? Nauseous?”

Great, He thinks I’m about to vomit.

“No! Uh…I’m fine! Really! I just need to uh…use the girl’s room. Yeah, the girl’s room. It’s that stomach problem this morning. I think the chocolate made it worse.”

With his forehead expressing his confusion, he says

“Oh, so that’s what it was. Wow, I never thought you ate so much at our wedding.”

Yeah, so you married a pig. You want a divorce?

“Yeah…I think I had a little too much wine and pasta and all that food. So if you’ll excuse me, darling.”

I stand and bid my husband a silent, temporary divorce as I go to the girl’s room. The comfort room reminded me of the bathroom we have in our suite, only the Jacuzzi and the diamonds were missing.

I go to the farthest cubicle. Luckily, it’s vacant. I sit, lock the door, and fall in love with Alex all over again.

The Time Traveler’s Wife…Alex really loved that book. Sudden flashes of memories come raining down on me as I close my eyes and reminisce the first time we fell head over heels for each other.

It was five years ago, August 29 2009. My current boyfriend and I back then had an argument a few days back and we planned to have a make-up date that day. But I saw something that made me want to go home. I was already at the cinema floor when I chanced a meeting with Alex.

Up until now, I still thank God for having Alex and I meet that day. Who knows what my life would be if I hadn’t met him? I probably wouldn’t be married to David, that’s for sure.

Yet you still kept on your way.

It saddens me now that you’re gone;

I suffer from what I’ve done.

===

Seasons change, the sun rises and falls.

I stand by the phone, yet no one calls.

Hoping for your voice, I remain.

I’m without your touch; I feel pain.

===

I can’t go on like this; I’ll die.

But life is too short, I have to try.

Out of the darkness into the light.

I open my eyes to use my sight.

===

A silhouette of you, I see.

My heart’s as happy as it can be

I ask “Did you yearn for me too?”

And you answer “Yes and I still do.”

===

I really did my best to hate you.

I even went as far as bash you in my blogs and other sites with no apparent reason except for fun and enjoyment.

But you know what? with every curse I put next to your name, I hurt. Alot.

I try to laugh it off. I pretend that I “LOL” at everything I do and say that will probably cause you to hate me even more if you knew.

When I actually feel sorry for myself for the only thing I can do to at least divert my attention from loving you is to hate you.

I really don’t want to hate you.

In fact, I want you to like me.

I really do. But circumstances, past and recent events have made it impossible to happen.

It’s not that I feel angry that I’m not your BF, it’s just that I’m upset that I can’t even get close to you without being cautious.

Cautious of what I may say and act towards you. To an extent that I become paranoid whenever I feel your presence.

It’s as if I can’t move anymore once you’re there.

I’m frozen, stuck, feet cemented to ground, and I just can’t move anymore.

I try my best not to make your hatred towards me any more than how it is now.

I really try to be nice to you, but I just can’t bring myself to actually do it to you.

Right now, I’m being nice by not cursing your existence.

Trust me, none of those bad things I said about you were things that I meant.

I really love you. I love you so much that if I just see you smile at me, I’d probably have goosebumps all over my body for a whole day.

Today, I kept on looking at you without you noticing. I can’t help but be envious of the people around you.

How they can just easily talk to you, pat you in the back, hug you, and even kiss you on the cheeks.

Every time something like that happens, it’s like me getting stabbed repeatedly by spears adorned with thorns.

I’m indifferent on the outside but I cry on the inside.

I’d often think “Damn it…I wish I was the one she’s laughing with right now. The one she’s smiling at, the one she’s crying on…”

And everyday, every fucking day, I wish I was him. The one man you chose to share that place in your heart with.

But that won’t happen. It wasn’t meant to happen.

Right now, the only thing I really wish for is for us to be friends. I’d be so happy if you and I were somehow comfortable with each other.

That I can just say “Hi” and “Hello” without raising any eyebrows, without feeling all crazy inside, without you hesitating like you do now.

The fact is that, I really can’t see myself without you now. I’d often think that if you weren’t in my life…

I’d probably be filled with emptiness.

And I would have committed suicide because of all the pressure and problems that may have surrounded my college life.

I just wish you realize how important you are to me. How you changed my life completely.

I’m losing weight, getting healthier, and writing alot more than I used to because of you.

Everything good that I’ve been doing right now was all because of you.

And I just want you to know that I am forever thankful, even though you did little to notice me.

I just find it hard to face everyday knowing that I have to move on but I don’t want to. I need to do it, but my heart doesn’t like to.

It’s like I want to push you off a cliff but be at the bottom to catch your fall at the same time.

I want to hurt you but at the same time save you.

and it’s even harder now that it’s Christmas.

I now realize that my life will never be complete if I don’t make you like me for who I am. To at least befriend you.

I try to divert my love for you by trying to be in love with someone else.

But I’ll only end up hurting that someone else once I tell her that I was just using her.

I love you. Those are the only words I want to tell you right now. Not from a computer, not from a letter, but through my mouth.

…and I can’t live the way I live now if you’re not there.

I’ll die without you.

I wonder what took you so far, far away.

But you’re not here and you’re not there.

Yet I feel your presence everywhere.

====

In my dreams I could not smile.

I knew it took longer than a while.

Wanting to be with you but I can’t.

Filled with anger yet I cannot rant.

====

“Open your eyes!” to myself I told.

“Don’t give up hope!” as my skin felt cold.

“She’ll be here!” my other self screamed.

“Just a little longer!” yet I still dreamed.

====

As the sun regains its majesty,

I open my eyes to its glory.

The rainbows appearing after the rain,

I cry to the memories I gain.

====

Memories of you and I,

Promise for each other we die.

You are my life, as I am yours.

Just take me, bust open the doors.

====

We promised we’ll be together.

Time can’t tell, not even forever.

For you, now I lie here waiting.

Every second, in need of your saving.

====

Alex

How did I let this happen? The first thing that popped in my mind as I regain consciousness. The mornings I have now are different unlike the ones I had before. I wake up in my bed and I am reminded again that I no longer share this bed with anyone. She’s gone now and I can only feel remorse for what I could’ve done and hatred towards myself for not doing them. As much as I wanted to feel happy for her that day, I just could not bring myself to erase the thoughts of how she’ll be going away from me forever. No longer will we see each other, smell each other’s scent, feel each other’s touch, those days are gone for good. It was inevitable, as I begin to play the memories we found for each other, memories that I’d gladly keep and throw away everything else for. It was Karen who went on her way, and I still can’t find myself to move an inch from the very spot where we both stopped being “us” and started being “You and Me”.

Now I lie here in bed, in what used to be our apartment. I close my eyes and try to sleep again, to try and dream of the days where we were both happy, uncaring for what the world might do to us, what it might do to hinder us.

Karen

“Oh Alex…” I realize that these are the first words that I’ve muttered this morning as  I lose touch with my dreams and open my eyes to reality. I no longer bear with me a smile every morning unlike back then, a smile which kept me looking forward to tomorrow. I look to my right and see before me the man I have to love, the man I’ll have to force myself to be with, to try and live the rest of my life halfheartedly. It was still so fresh to me, as if everything just happened yesterday. Alex and I, it was fate that decided to join us and it was also fate that decided to separate us. I always wonder why fate played a cruel joke on us, ever since I found out that I’ll belong no longer to Alex. It was all so fast that I feel as if time has slipped away from my palms that I couldn’t keep up, I couldn’t bear in mind the fact that we were never meant to be. Time did not allow me to get used to this feeling yet.

Now I find myself struggling to catch up on what has happened in my life. As the rest of the world moves on, I’m stuck in the past and still cannot accept what God has decided for me. I lie on my back on my new bed,  my eyes view the ceiling of my new home as a canvas to which I paint my memories with Alex every morning, every night; as I wake up and as I fall asleep. I want, rather, need to forget yet also dream of him at the same time every single day. I am confronted with a dilemma every moment, a dilemma in which I hurt no less than the day we both bid our last words to each other.

Now I lie here in bed longing for his breath, his touch, his eyes, but most of all, his love. I’d give anything to relive the past once more. I’d do anything to be with him again.