Like a flower she was beautiful; Like a torn she bled me; Like a man I loved her.
This will be the last piece in this blog. No more writing. I finally quit writing after about a year of being inspired to do so. Everything was just a dream to begin with, nothing was ever real about the sensation of having some sort of feeling of fulfillment; the fulfillment of having a dream, something to look forward to in the future, to want to be somebody one day. It was just an illusion I didn’t want to snap myself out from.
I was blinded by the way it gave me happiness, the way it made me feel whole, made me feel real, even. I’ve always known that there will come a day that I’ll have to stop writing but I never knew it would be this soon. You see, I realized that I got into writing, really got into it, last February 14; Valentine’s Day. It was so stupid too not to mention very immature of me to be inspired on the date that I knew I would curse myself for one day.
I was inspired by that girl to write and with the same inspiration to make me stop. I had to. Otherwise I’ll never be able to get over her. If I wanted to quit her and still write then it would be like closing a wound and opening it again. I’ll be the one that’s hurting in the end. I’d be carrying my own anchor.
I wish she knew that I truly loved her. That’s how true my feelings for her can get. She doesn’t know but everything in this blog, I mean everything, stemmed from me dreaming of a world where I was close to her; where she liked me. Yes, everything you see here is inspired by my dumb feelings for her. Feelings of not just love but of grief and frustration as well.
Everything; from the very first thing I published here to the very last. This was all secretly dedicated to her or rather how I imagined my life with her and without her.
When I knew of the impending danger my feelings were harboring towards her, I really wanted to stop. Red as the light may go, I wanted to push the breaks. However, my emotions overpowered my mind and kept on going. And kept going I did. I sought help from various people already. She, my inspiration, was just too damn hard to forget.
I mean how could I? God wasn’t helping me forget her one bit. She was just everywhere; her name was everywhere.
Everyday I always see,
This beautiful little lady.
Sitting right next to me,
How pallid and thin was she!
Her skin white complexion pales;
Eyes sinking, veins showing.
Her beauty disappears, vanishing
Lovely she no longer is
Her elbows sticking out; spikes.
Fingers like dry branches without leaves.
She bore no flower, no fruit.
Drought settled; life goes away.
She’s a total stranger now.
Far from the one I loved.
Her Lust for beauty ended.
She died; her heart gave out.
We had it best, the two of us.
Until it was gone with the wind’s gust.
I cried, cried, and cried some more.
I thought of suicide like never before.
Matagal na kitang mahal,
Alam ng poong may kapal.
Simula pa lang, ikaw na talaga,
Wala na kong ginustong iba .
August 29 2014
I’m busy preparing myself for my first happy time since that day. Hannah’s a breath of fresh air. But I really wonder how she got the timing right. Still, what she did for me this morning was such a pleasant surprise. I really should be thankful.
I got myself wearing a striped, black and white, long sleeved polo with black and white chequered denim pants with my shoes being a low-cut converse with shades of black and white to match my awesome monochrome look.. Hannah’s fond of wearing colors. I just hope she likes my black and white life.
“I’m sorry” was all I could say,
Yet you still kept on your way.
It saddens me now that you’re gone;
I suffer from what I’ve done.
I’ve been lying to myself this past few weeks.
I really did my best to hate you.
I even went as far as bash you in my blogs and other sites with no apparent reason except for fun and enjoyment.
But you know what? with every curse I put next to your name, I hurt. Alot.