The fantasy is over
Like a flower she was beautiful; Like a torn she bled me; Like a man I loved her.
This will be the last piece in this blog. No more writing. I finally quit writing after about a year of being inspired to do so. Everything was just a dream to begin with, nothing was ever real about the sensation of having some sort of feeling of fulfillment; the fulfillment of having a dream, something to look forward to in the future, to want to be somebody one day. It was just an illusion I didn’t want to snap myself out from.
I was blinded by the way it gave me happiness, the way it made me feel whole, made me feel real, even. I’ve always known that there will come a day that I’ll have to stop writing but I never knew it would be this soon. You see, I realized that I got into writing, really got into it, last February 14; Valentine’s Day. It was so stupid too not to mention very immature of me to be inspired on the date that I knew I would curse myself for one day.
I was inspired by that girl to write and with the same inspiration to make me stop. I had to. Otherwise I’ll never be able to get over her. If I wanted to quit her and still write then it would be like closing a wound and opening it again. I’ll be the one that’s hurting in the end. I’d be carrying my own anchor.
I wish she knew that I truly loved her. That’s how true my feelings for her can get. She doesn’t know but everything in this blog, I mean everything, stemmed from me dreaming of a world where I was close to her; where she liked me. Yes, everything you see here is inspired by my dumb feelings for her. Feelings of not just love but of grief and frustration as well.
Everything; from the very first thing I published here to the very last. This was all secretly dedicated to her or rather how I imagined my life with her and without her.
When I knew of the impending danger my feelings were harboring towards her, I really wanted to stop. Red as the light may go, I wanted to push the breaks. However, my emotions overpowered my mind and kept on going. And kept going I did. I sought help from various people already. She, my inspiration, was just too damn hard to forget.
I mean how could I? God wasn’t helping me forget her one bit. She was just everywhere; her name was everywhere.
Lady Anorexia
Everyday I always see,
This beautiful little lady.
Sitting right next to me,
How pallid and thin was she!
==============
Her skin white complexion pales;
Eyes sinking, veins showing.
Her beauty disappears, vanishing
Lovely she no longer is
=============
Her elbows sticking out; spikes.
Fingers like dry branches without leaves.
She bore no flower, no fruit.
Drought settled; life goes away.
=============
She’s a total stranger now.
Far from the one I loved.
Her Lust for beauty ended.
She died; her heart gave out.
Quits
We had it best, the two of us.
Until it was gone with the wind’s gust.
I cried, cried, and cried some more.
I thought of suicide like never before.
***
P.I.
Matagal na kitang mahal,
Alam ng poong may kapal.
Simula pa lang, ikaw na talaga,
Wala na kong ginustong iba .
A Little Fantasy Chapter 2: Never Forgotten
Prologue
Chapter 1
===============================================
ALEX
August 29 2014
I’m busy preparing myself for my first happy time since that day. Hannah’s a breath of fresh air. But I really wonder how she got the timing right. Still, what she did for me this morning was such a pleasant surprise. I really should be thankful.
I got myself wearing a striped, black and white, long sleeved polo with black and white chequered denim pants with my shoes being a low-cut converse with shades of black and white to match my awesome monochrome look.. Hannah’s fond of wearing colors. I just hope she likes my black and white life.
I still do
“I’m sorry” was all I could say,
Yet you still kept on your way.
It saddens me now that you’re gone;
I suffer from what I’ve done.
Love Note
I’ve been lying to myself this past few weeks.
I really did my best to hate you.
I even went as far as bash you in my blogs and other sites with no apparent reason except for fun and enjoyment.
But you know what? with every curse I put next to your name, I hurt. Alot.
Save me
I dreamed of a thousand nights and just one day.
I wonder what took you so far, far away.
But you’re not here and you’re not there.
Yet I feel your presence everywhere.
====
Protected: Draft: A Little Fantasy Chapter 2
Prologue: A Little Fantasy
PROLOGUE
Alex
How did I let this happen? The first thing that popped in my mind as I regain consciousness. The mornings I have now are different unlike the ones I had before. I wake up in my bed and I am reminded again that I no longer share this bed with anyone. She’s gone now and I can only feel remorse for what I could’ve done and hatred towards myself for not doing them. As much as I wanted to feel happy for her that day, I just could not bring myself to erase the thoughts of how she’ll be going away from me forever. No longer will we see each other, smell each other’s scent, feel each other’s touch, those days are gone for good. It was inevitable, as I begin to play the memories we found for each other, memories that I’d gladly keep and throw away everything else for. It was Karen who went on her way, and I still can’t find myself to move an inch from the very spot where we both stopped being “us” and started being “You and Me”.
Now I lie here in bed, in what used to be our apartment. I close my eyes and try to sleep again, to try and dream of the days where we were both happy, uncaring for what the world might do to us, what it might do to hinder us.
Karen
“Oh Alex…” I realize that these are the first words that I’ve muttered this morning as I lose touch with my dreams and open my eyes to reality. I no longer bear with me a smile every morning unlike back then, a smile which kept me looking forward to tomorrow. I look to my right and see before me the man I have to love, the man I’ll have to force myself to be with, to try and live the rest of my life halfheartedly. It was still so fresh to me, as if everything just happened yesterday. Alex and I, it was fate that decided to join us and it was also fate that decided to separate us. I always wonder why fate played a cruel joke on us, ever since I found out that I’ll belong no longer to Alex. It was all so fast that I feel as if time has slipped away from my palms that I couldn’t keep up, I couldn’t bear in mind the fact that we were never meant to be. Time did not allow me to get used to this feeling yet.
Now I find myself struggling to catch up on what has happened in my life. As the rest of the world moves on, I’m stuck in the past and still cannot accept what God has decided for me. I lie on my back on my new bed, my eyes view the ceiling of my new home as a canvas to which I paint my memories with Alex every morning, every night; as I wake up and as I fall asleep. I want, rather, need to forget yet also dream of him at the same time every single day. I am confronted with a dilemma every moment, a dilemma in which I hurt no less than the day we both bid our last words to each other.
Now I lie here in bed longing for his breath, his touch, his eyes, but most of all, his love. I’d give anything to relive the past once more. I’d do anything to be with him again.
